Living In The Past

Am I stupid? retarded? mentally handicapped? all of the above? 

So yesterday Bobby AIMed me for the first time in forever, we hadn't talked since the middle of the summer and we only talked for maybe 20 minutes and now he has got me thinking about him all over again! I know its stupid, but how in the world do I get over him?? He isn't even that attractive! or nice! or anything! and yet, I cant picture myself with anyone else. I have problems. Such large problems. I even tried to stop talking to him forever!! I took him off my facebook online friends, didn't add him to my AIM. I WAS DOING SO GOOD! Then, as if he can sense that I am finally getting over it, HE AIMS ME! blah blah blah. I have mental problems. I can't wait for the day when I look back at all of this and laugh at my pathetic-ness, but right now, the only thing I really wan't is to be with him. Is it pathetic that I would even just consider being friends? Even though I like him? That I just want to have him back in my life. Whatever. I have problems. At least I know I do.

At First Glance

Am I purposely setting myself up to never fall in love? So I went out with Matt last night and I just didn't like him at all. He is 19 and had never been kissed... I am just not looking to have to teach a guy, he is rather boring, I just worry that I am writing him off too soon because I am nervous or because I don't know him. But then again, so far everything I have seen I dont really like. I want to love someone so badly, but I don't just want it to be anyone. I want a manly man. I was trying to compare Matt to Devin, cause they are somewhat similar, but even Devin pressured Bri into having sex... I dont think Matt even knows what sex is hahaha. That was mean. I don't care! I just don't think I like him. I feel badly though because I kissed him and he had never been kissed before which probably led him on, but I couldn't not kiss him! and he is practically planning our wedding now and I just don't know what to do. I just prefer getting to know people through groups and then actually dating them once I get to know them. I don't like having to get to know someone one on one, its just hard to keep a conversation going for a long time and maybe one day when I feel the magic it won't be awkward. but last night, it just was.

Everything Happens For A Reason

So I met a guy yesterday. It was the craziest thing ever. So I went to dads car show yesterday and I was helping mom set up the food and hand everything out. So this guy comes up and asks how old I am, I tell him i'm 18 and he says that he is calling up his son and making him come over. So about 30 minutes later his son is there, he introduces him, then takes him away to look at the cars. So I was thinking that this guy was strange, why did you invite your son if you werent going to let him talk to me, but after the show ended, he offered up his son to help us clean up. So he helped us clean, carry ice chests, etc. Then Neil asked him to help drive some of the cars back to his shop, so Matt (thats his name btw haha) asks if I want to come along for the drive. So we drive to his shop and he has a hummer, a super nice one! We talked for a bit and he was super super cute and nice. He has brown hair and blue eyes, which I LOVE, and HE IS JEWISH!!! which just made the whole thing so much better. So he asked for my number when I was leaving and hopefully he will text/call me sometime soon! Maybe everything does happen for a reason?

I Dont Know Who I Am

Jessye left for college yesterday, and i'm suddenly faced with the realization that I have no idea who I am without BBYO. I desperately need a new hobby and I guess it will have to become my new life, is it so wrong to just want one more year? It's really hard to stay here and not be able to carry on my life like normal, I miss having full weekends and a week with Ashrey. I miss being really busy, i'm just not the do nothing type. I am going to try to find a job this week and make myself more busy... but I just miss having people that I could depend on no matter what. I feel like everyone who is like that doesn't live locally, or is no longer as close with me as they were before. I just want a rock in my life, someone who wont leave me, someone who gets me, loves me, idk, i dont think its that much to ask. Hopefully things start to get better after I start the BBYO job and get another job, possibly at the Jcorps thing I will meet some new jewish friends and just get my life back on track. I don't regret staying, but I need to make something of my life so that my brain stays with that thought for longer than just right now.

I Can Finally Let Go Of You

Secret 77 / 365., originally uploaded by brighten..

I officially took Bobby off of my online friends on facebook, he now has his own little group called "offline" I think that after a year, I should be 100% over him, but I have not allowed myself to, well thats over now. Every single opportunity that comes my way, i'm taking it. I'm ready for a new chapter in my story. I can finally let get of you.

I Never Leave, I Always Get Left.

Secret 60 / 365., originally uploaded by brighten..

Is it sad that this is somewhat the story of my life? Whether the person leaves geographically or emotionally, I feel like friendships never end of my own terms. I am sick of being abandoned, sick of being left behind. For once in my life, I want to do the leaving... the only problem is, I have no where else I would wan't to go.

You Stole What I Thought Was Love.

Secret 8 / 365., originally uploaded by brighten..

Is it ever worth the risk? We put so much effort into relationships when they are happening, that we often forget it doesn't last forever. Is the happiness during it worth the ending result? I'm not sure anymore...

It's A Brand New Day

L'Shanah Tova! Happy New Year! I cant believe it has been another year already. There is a old thought that however you spend Rosh Hashanah is a premonition of how your year will turn out, so last year... it was a bit of a bad day. I was foolish and careless and my year turned out a bit foolish and careless because of it. Well this year, things are going to change. I had the most amazing day ever, with the most amazing people ever and it gives me hope that this year is going to be a good one. I love Jews! :] 

Everybody Just Wants To Be Loved

So I went on a cruise to Mexico this weekend and had a really good time, on the last night we went to the dance club and there was a group of teenage boys. We danced with them and eventually it led to making out with them, I made out with three of them in the same night. Now here's the thing, Jessye kept telling me that she was so proud of me and that it was a good thing... but I don't feel any better about myself. Cool so some slutty guys (who kissed both Jessye and I in the same hour) think i'm attractive? So what?! I just want a guy who is consistent, a guy who likes me, a guy who will love me. I really don't think its that much to ask for and part of me is wondering what i'm doing wrong. Is there some trick that i'm unaware of that makes guys suddenly love you? I know how to make guys want me, I just don't know how to make them love me.