Living In The Past

Am I stupid? retarded? mentally handicapped? all of the above? 

So yesterday Bobby AIMed me for the first time in forever, we hadn't talked since the middle of the summer and we only talked for maybe 20 minutes and now he has got me thinking about him all over again! I know its stupid, but how in the world do I get over him?? He isn't even that attractive! or nice! or anything! and yet, I cant picture myself with anyone else. I have problems. Such large problems. I even tried to stop talking to him forever!! I took him off my facebook online friends, didn't add him to my AIM. I WAS DOING SO GOOD! Then, as if he can sense that I am finally getting over it, HE AIMS ME! blah blah blah. I have mental problems. I can't wait for the day when I look back at all of this and laugh at my pathetic-ness, but right now, the only thing I really wan't is to be with him. Is it pathetic that I would even just consider being friends? Even though I like him? That I just want to have him back in my life. Whatever. I have problems. At least I know I do.

At First Glance

Am I purposely setting myself up to never fall in love? So I went out with Matt last night and I just didn't like him at all. He is 19 and had never been kissed... I am just not looking to have to teach a guy, he is rather boring, I just worry that I am writing him off too soon because I am nervous or because I don't know him. But then again, so far everything I have seen I dont really like. I want to love someone so badly, but I don't just want it to be anyone. I want a manly man. I was trying to compare Matt to Devin, cause they are somewhat similar, but even Devin pressured Bri into having sex... I dont think Matt even knows what sex is hahaha. That was mean. I don't care! I just don't think I like him. I feel badly though because I kissed him and he had never been kissed before which probably led him on, but I couldn't not kiss him! and he is practically planning our wedding now and I just don't know what to do. I just prefer getting to know people through groups and then actually dating them once I get to know them. I don't like having to get to know someone one on one, its just hard to keep a conversation going for a long time and maybe one day when I feel the magic it won't be awkward. but last night, it just was.

Everything Happens For A Reason

So I met a guy yesterday. It was the craziest thing ever. So I went to dads car show yesterday and I was helping mom set up the food and hand everything out. So this guy comes up and asks how old I am, I tell him i'm 18 and he says that he is calling up his son and making him come over. So about 30 minutes later his son is there, he introduces him, then takes him away to look at the cars. So I was thinking that this guy was strange, why did you invite your son if you werent going to let him talk to me, but after the show ended, he offered up his son to help us clean up. So he helped us clean, carry ice chests, etc. Then Neil asked him to help drive some of the cars back to his shop, so Matt (thats his name btw haha) asks if I want to come along for the drive. So we drive to his shop and he has a hummer, a super nice one! We talked for a bit and he was super super cute and nice. He has brown hair and blue eyes, which I LOVE, and HE IS JEWISH!!! which just made the whole thing so much better. So he asked for my number when I was leaving and hopefully he will text/call me sometime soon! Maybe everything does happen for a reason?

I Dont Know Who I Am

Jessye left for college yesterday, and i'm suddenly faced with the realization that I have no idea who I am without BBYO. I desperately need a new hobby and I guess it will have to become my new life, is it so wrong to just want one more year? It's really hard to stay here and not be able to carry on my life like normal, I miss having full weekends and a week with Ashrey. I miss being really busy, i'm just not the do nothing type. I am going to try to find a job this week and make myself more busy... but I just miss having people that I could depend on no matter what. I feel like everyone who is like that doesn't live locally, or is no longer as close with me as they were before. I just want a rock in my life, someone who wont leave me, someone who gets me, loves me, idk, i dont think its that much to ask. Hopefully things start to get better after I start the BBYO job and get another job, possibly at the Jcorps thing I will meet some new jewish friends and just get my life back on track. I don't regret staying, but I need to make something of my life so that my brain stays with that thought for longer than just right now.

I Can Finally Let Go Of You

Secret 77 / 365., originally uploaded by brighten..

I officially took Bobby off of my online friends on facebook, he now has his own little group called "offline" I think that after a year, I should be 100% over him, but I have not allowed myself to, well thats over now. Every single opportunity that comes my way, i'm taking it. I'm ready for a new chapter in my story. I can finally let get of you.

I Never Leave, I Always Get Left.

Secret 60 / 365., originally uploaded by brighten..

Is it sad that this is somewhat the story of my life? Whether the person leaves geographically or emotionally, I feel like friendships never end of my own terms. I am sick of being abandoned, sick of being left behind. For once in my life, I want to do the leaving... the only problem is, I have no where else I would wan't to go.

You Stole What I Thought Was Love.

Secret 8 / 365., originally uploaded by brighten..

Is it ever worth the risk? We put so much effort into relationships when they are happening, that we often forget it doesn't last forever. Is the happiness during it worth the ending result? I'm not sure anymore...

It's A Brand New Day

L'Shanah Tova! Happy New Year! I cant believe it has been another year already. There is a old thought that however you spend Rosh Hashanah is a premonition of how your year will turn out, so last year... it was a bit of a bad day. I was foolish and careless and my year turned out a bit foolish and careless because of it. Well this year, things are going to change. I had the most amazing day ever, with the most amazing people ever and it gives me hope that this year is going to be a good one. I love Jews! :] 

Everybody Just Wants To Be Loved

So I went on a cruise to Mexico this weekend and had a really good time, on the last night we went to the dance club and there was a group of teenage boys. We danced with them and eventually it led to making out with them, I made out with three of them in the same night. Now here's the thing, Jessye kept telling me that she was so proud of me and that it was a good thing... but I don't feel any better about myself. Cool so some slutty guys (who kissed both Jessye and I in the same hour) think i'm attractive? So what?! I just want a guy who is consistent, a guy who likes me, a guy who will love me. I really don't think its that much to ask for and part of me is wondering what i'm doing wrong. Is there some trick that i'm unaware of that makes guys suddenly love you? I know how to make guys want me, I just don't know how to make them love me. 

Its All Love, My Stupid Love

I've been stressing out a lot lately about my life. It's hard when everyone moves away for college and I'm still stuck here... but here's the thing. Even while typing that sentence, I dont wish that I had left, I just wish that everything didnt have to change. I wouldn't mind going back and reliving some of high school over... isn't it funny how we only appreciate things when looking back at them? I HATED high school when it was happening, but now, I would love to go back to the expected days, journalism, getting out at the same time, only being 10 minutes away, living life as a teenager... a kid, I sure didnt appreciate that fact that after high school, we go into The Real World. Yes, I put that in capital letters on purpose. I feel like because I am only going to a JC that I am forced to grow up more quickly than someone else. I won't be at my dorm partying, meeting new people, living on my own. Instead I will be here, getting a job, actually... two jobs, going to class, helping around the house, and living by my parents rules. It really is the worst of both worlds. I just hope that my life is still fun after all of this... I'm not worried about not having friends, or not having enough to fill my time with... I can always get more work, but what if my life is never as fun as it was when I was in Ashrey?

“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

You Give Me Something To Believe In

I met with Steven and Becca today and was finally offered the details of the internship through BBYO next year. I will be mostly working behind the scenes, using dashboard, helping them out when they need it, and optionally staffing certain regional events. I am beyond thrilled. I will be getting $2000 for the full year (in monthly payments around $250). It may not be the best way of "moving on" in life, but who says that I have to? They are giving me the greatest gift of all, they are promising me that for the next year, I will be for sure doing something that is familiar and I know I am good at. I start September 27th and that date simply can't come soon enough. I dont care what anyone else says, holding onto BBYO is going to be the best thing thats happened to me in a long time.

The First Cut Is The Deepest

Melanie left for college again today, it seemed to strangely normal compared to last years goodbye. She put it simply, the goodbye is only hard when it means that this is the end, that everything changes, that life as we know it will never be the same. Now, we are simply going back to things being normal. 

It's really hard being the one that is left behind, I sometimes wish that I was able to start new, to go somewhere for college and have the experience that many many people are starting now. I don't regret the way I am doing things though... I would rather be somewhere familiar that I dislike, than somewhere new with no one I'm friends with that I dislike. Sonoma wasn't the place for me, and the only mistake I made was not trying hard enough in high school/not applying enough places that I actually wanted to go to.

I think this year is going to be a good growing opportunity... to stop relying on other people to be happy and to simply try to find that happiness within myself. It's time to move forward and start a new mindset, I will hopefully have a full time job, full time schooling, and then the internship at BBYO. Keeping busy is always a sure way to pass the time. It's just strange that from here on out, everything will be different... we are adults now. We wont go back to public education and the forced hanging out with people in our grades and feeling like outcasts and just the terrors of high school. Now, its all about the real world. Strange. Just as a side note though, I certainly wouldn't mind having an adult relationship, with a man who loves me. Yeah, that would be lovely.

Home Is Wherever I'm With You

My grandparents make me feel like the most beautiful person on the whole entire planet. I was feeling kind of down tonight, I wasnt able to go to an Ashrey event that all of my friends were at, Jessye was busy, I felt like everyone had left for college and I was just kind of stuck here feeling sorry for myself. So I called up my grandparents and asked if they wanted to have dinner, and of course they did. So we went to CPK and Nanny pointed out how this group of guys was looking at me, and the waiter was flirting with me. Idk. It was just really nice to be reminded that I am in fact pretty and well liked. Its nice to know that no matter what life throws my way, my family will always be there for me. It's a really good feeling. My mood is 100% turned around. I need to remember to go out with them much more often.

My Love's Too Big For You My Love

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I haven't been with a guy in over a year isn't because no one has found me, but because my standards are too high and I shut them out the second that they try to get inside. It's just that the first time I fell in love it hurt so bad, but at the same time... I miss the feeling more than I can even explain. I just want a guy to tell me that I am beautiful, that he loves me and ONLY me. I don't think I'm asking for much. I keep telling myself that it will happen when the time is right, everything happens for a reason, but at what point do we stop believing the bullshit slogans and start to think that maybe, just maybe, my love life sucks.

I am going out tomorrow with a guy, the only problem with this, is that this guy was the guy that one of my best friends lost her virginity to. He recently started texting me, after over a year of not talking. At first I thought maybe he just was bored and wanted someone to talk to, but then he invited me out to eat with him. I have been very hesitant... I have been talking to him for almost 2 weeks now and each time he has asked I made up things I had to do. but damn this guy is persistent! So now tomorrow I'm giving him his chance. I only hope that this is also my chance at happiness as well.

p.s. Is it wrong to date another guy when you are still pathetically in love with the last guy you dated? if so... then I'm a wrong person.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings I'll Be There

I feel like the shittiest person on the whole entire planet right now. I know this guy named Chris, at one point in my life, almost 4 years ago, he was someone I told all of my secrets too, my heartbreaks, my dreams, my hopes and goals for the future. This kid knew me inside and out. Oh and did I mention I was hopelessly in love with him? He was like a brother to me, our parents were best friends and we were over at their house all the time, I used to fall asleep leaning on him, on our favorite spot on the couch. I used to sit in his room and listen to music and complain about stupid things. We used to sit at the edge of the airport where our dads worked and just tell each other everything, but that was a while ago. Things changed in the past few years, he had family problems, started taking up drinking and drugs and met slutty girls... we just didnt have as much in common anymore. Throughout everything though, we remained pretty close friends. I no longer considered him my brother, or my obsessive crush... but we had once been friends on a deep level and if he needed me, I would still be there for him.

So he called me earlier this week and I didnt think much of it, just ignored the calls... I was at a party, or busy with friends. Whatever the reason, I didnt answer the phone. Then tonight my mom came home and told me that his mom had sent him to rehab in Utah. Its a high-lockdown intense rehab where he will be for atleast 6 months. He is allowed no contact with the outside world, other than emails from three designated people, my mom, his mom, and his aunt. So for the next 6 months, I will be unable to speak to him, and the only thing I can keep thinking is, I know this is good for him... but I wish I had picked up the phone and had a chance to say goodbye. I am going to miss him soo much and I wish I would have realized that before he left. 

So Chris, when you get back... I hope you are more like the guy that I first fell in love with, because I miss him more than I could have ever imagined. This will be good for you. Stay safe and in high spirits. I love you. 

Wild Horses I Want To Be Like You

Sometimes, I wish I was able to get over things more quickly than I do. I have spent the last couple of days obsessing over whether I was allowed to facebook chat my ex-boyfriend. How insane is that? I had a really crazy dream last night, where my best friend was making out with him in a swimming pool, so I looked up what that meant on dream analyzer and it said,"a swimming pool suggests that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings, its time to dive in and deal with those emotions. You need to cleanse yourself and wash away those past hurts," so I felt that this had to mean something and decided to do something about it.

 So finally tonight I worked up the courage to do it and I have no idea what I was so afraid of... I mean we just talked like normal people for a while and then, here is the weird part. We both said that we had to go, at the same time. I know its wrong and crazy and insane to be like this, but he was the first guy I ever loved and I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to be friends. If its what helps me move on, then I think I should be allowed to. Fuck what every else says and thinks. I will get over things how I want to, when I want to. Thank you very much. I feel better tonight than I have in a long time. 

The Times, They Are A Changing

Exactly 3 weeks from today I start my first day of community college. Its a scary concept. Its like, the whole entire life that I have worked on for the last 18 years, the friendships, the success, what does it matter now? When now its time to start all over? Now I know that I am lucky in some aspects, because I am not leaving, but who's to say that its easier being left behind instead of leaving? 

I have had the most incredible past 2 years of my life since joining BBYO. I finally found a place where people accepted me, where I was able to thrive, where I belonged... I'm scared that I will never find something like that again, that I have already seen the best that its going to get. What happens if I dont ever feel the kind of love and excitement I felt the day that I won for regional board, the day I cried my heart out when Melanie gave her lives, the months of being N'siah, the feeling of falling in love for the first time. The feeling of love and belonging that BBG gave me. I am afraid I will forget this.

I feel like a lot of the past years have also come with people leaving, and changing so dramatically when they come back... what happens if Jessye leaves and things are never the same again? What if we never have a friendship the way we do now? I think I just have issues with change.

The only thing to do now I guess is to wait and see what happens, which im terribly bad at. I just want someone to tell me that everything will be okay, that people only change for the better, that everything happens for a reason, that good things fall apart so better things can fall together. but here's the thing. people can say that shit all they want. and im unable to believe it. call me a pessimist. but I just dont know how.

im afraid of being left behind again.