Exactly 3 weeks from today I start my first day of community college. Its a scary concept. Its like, the whole entire life that I have worked on for the last 18 years, the friendships, the success, what does it matter now? When now its time to start all over? Now I know that I am lucky in some aspects, because I am not leaving, but who's to say that its easier being left behind instead of leaving?
I have had the most incredible past 2 years of my life since joining BBYO. I finally found a place where people accepted me, where I was able to thrive, where I belonged... I'm scared that I will never find something like that again, that I have already seen the best that its going to get. What happens if I dont ever feel the kind of love and excitement I felt the day that I won for regional board, the day I cried my heart out when Melanie gave her lives, the months of being N'siah, the feeling of falling in love for the first time. The feeling of love and belonging that BBG gave me. I am afraid I will forget this.
I feel like a lot of the past years have also come with people leaving, and changing so dramatically when they come back... what happens if Jessye leaves and things are never the same again? What if we never have a friendship the way we do now? I think I just have issues with change.
The only thing to do now I guess is to wait and see what happens, which im terribly bad at. I just want someone to tell me that everything will be okay, that people only change for the better, that everything happens for a reason, that good things fall apart so better things can fall together. but here's the thing. people can say that shit all they want. and im unable to believe it. call me a pessimist. but I just dont know how.
im afraid of being left behind again.
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